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Courses at the Quilt Police Academy

Courses at the Quilt Police Academy

By Janelle Cahoon, Quiltcentric

  1.  Criminal Offenses:  Use of 100% cotton is required by statute on all quilt components; finished quilts must be hand-quilted at 12 or more stitches to the inch; non-compliant quilters will be subject to verbal abuse by the investigating officer.
  2. Traffic Violations:  Turned/”birthed” or tied comforters, panels and “cheater cloth” are not quilts at all. Officers will learn to identify and educate offenders.
  3. Parking Enforcement:  No quilter shall create UFO’s; each quilt must be completed before another is begun. Innocent intent or ignorance of the law is no excuse.
  4. Speed Violations/Speed Zone:  Quilts must take months or years to complete.  Quickly-made quilts are unworthy quilts.
  5. Sewing Under the Influence:  Officers will learn to identify quilters suspected of sewing under the influence by the following measures:  Are all seams perfectly straight?  Are all corners and points sharp and perfectly matched?  Are all seams free of puckers?  Do borders lie flat without the slightest wave?  Quilters suspected of SUI will be administered the Field Sobriety Test.
  6. Field Sobriety Testing:  Quilters are required to sew a straight seam measured at a perfect scant quarter-inch, blindfolded, on a previously-unknown machine.
  7. Investigations:  Officers will learn to count stitches per inch as well as identify non-bias and single-fold bindings, poly-blend fabrics and polyester battings in the completed quilt.
  8. Target Practice:  Officers will criticize quilts aloud at quilt shows and guild meetings, identifying all violations.
  9. Community Policing:  Officers will listen at guild “show and tell” for telltale phrasing that indicates a violation has occurred.  Officers will work to identify repeat offenders and pursue them with great vigilance in the effort to prevent future violations before they happen.
  10. Miranda Warning:  “You are under arrest for crimes against quilting.  You have the right to quilt or not to quilt.  Anything you do quilt can and will be held against you by the quilt police.”

 

 

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